Here’s the secret to living with your ex after a break up:
Don’t.
Ha! Just kidding. Well, sort of. Generally I don’t suggest anyone continues to live with their ex while navigating a breakup. But I did it for over a year, successfully I might add, and so I feel that I may have some wisdom to share on the subject. But first, back story:
I’m not going to share too much about my last partner or relationship because uh, respect much? However, it’s important that you understand this: no one did anything disastrous. No trust was betrayed, there was no cheating or lying. No big blow up or rising fights. Just two people who drifted apart and didn’t want to acknowledge it, until someone finally did (me, it was me), and so was the beginning of the end. Or more optimistically, the beginning of a new era, from distant lovers to distant roommates.
That being said, if any of the negative experiences above are applicable to your relationship, you probably should stop reading this right now because NO you should not live with someone who has betrayed your trust, harmed you, or made you feel unsafe in any way. I know it’s going to be painful and messy and your lease isn’t up yet and you’re embarrassed but GET OUT OF THERE IF YOU CAN.
Realistically, not everyone is in the financial position to move out of their living situation immediately. I get that. I hope the following advice is helpful to you if that’s your reality. But I also really hope you are working on an exit plan because you deserve to feel safe and supported in your home.
If you’re in a similar situation to mine, it’s okay! People grow apart and it’s natural, especially when you get together when you’re still quite young and yeah, you’re gonna be different at 25 than you were at 21! So are they! Or maybe they won’t change at all, but you have! Admitting that your partner isn’t right for you is a lot like breaking your own heart for the dream of someone else. It’s hard, but it’s brave and amazing. And I can only speak from the perspective of the person who initiated the breakup, but you did the right thing and one day your ex may thank you for their own dream of someone else. And yes, I did watch You’ve Got Mail several times before writing this, thank you very much.
So to the problem at hand, living with your ex after a break up. Here are some circumstances that were vital to doing this successfully with my ex:
- Living in an apartment with two or more bedrooms
- One or both parties being absent from apartment 70% of the time
- One or both parties being emotionally intelligent
- One or both parties being in therapy
- Mutual respect and trust, unbroken
- Absolutely no sexual energy remaining
Those are the ground rules, let’s move into ACTION PLAN
Set Boundaries Immediately
No, not tomorrow or next weekend. Now. Decide who is sleeping on the guest room, if there’s any adjustment to paying rent or bills, who keeps the cat, etc. Brain storm any and all possibilities that could cause tension or be awkward. We didn’t immediately set boundaries around dating or having partners around because neither of us were interested in dating at that moment, but I would address that ASAP or designate a time in the future. Knowing that our home was a safe space in that regard was important.
Don’t Be a Dick
You’re not gonna feel great about still living with your ex, but don’t be a dick about it! Step up your roommate game, be courteous and polite, and honor all the boundaries you set with each other.
Prepare to Explain Your Situation 800 Times to Everyone You Meet
Breaking up with someone is big news, but continuing to LIVE with someone after breaking up with them is incomprehensible to lots of people, but especially cishet people! So get that notes app ready and type out your PR statement so you can copy and paste it to everyone who’s close enough to give a damn. Oh and don’t worry, it’ll come up in every conversation you have so you’ll never have to miss the face of pity on your friend/date/doctor/boss/distant family member.
Don’t Go On Vacation Together Immediately Afterwards
I mean this doesn’t need explaining does it?
Make an Exit Strategy
Moving sucks but so does living with your ex while you’re trying to make out with someone new! So start plotting your escape. Talk about circumstances in which either of you can leave, including having someone else take over part of the lease or ending the lease altogether. Reach out to friends who are looking to move and offer to be a stellar roommate. Check in on your finances to ensure you have enough for deposits, first month’s rent, and the ridiculous list of startup fees that accompany moving. Hell, talk to your parents and see if they’ll let you move back in for a bit, if that’s something you can handle.
Someone Move Out
As I stated, my ex and I were roomies for over a year before I moved in with my friend from college. It was comforting for me to have housing security, but ultimately my mental health has improved since I’ve removed myself from that situation. It’s impossible to move on from that time in your life when it’s staring you in the face every day. So move out and enjoy that dream of someone else.
It’s going to be messy and weird and it will take a lot of emotional energy but it is possible to live with your amicable ex for a determinate amount of time. And then you can both move out and move on to whatever great adventure awaits you.
Remember to choose yourself first. Thanks for reading and good luck!
